Memories. Moving forward. Message for Her

First of all, allow me to reiterate here that I'm writing this blog here to help organize my thoughts. It is through the para-phasing of the information that allows me to see certain issues more clearly.

There is still plenty of thoughts running through my head as I'm writing this post. I guess I can start with memories between me and my ex-girlfriend.

Memories will always be a part of me but it is at this period, the decision to "archive" it, making it all part of my history. I think that the way we handle our memories could possibly hinder our recovery of our self from a breakup. I'm not saying that a breakup isn't as heartbreaking, It's just that everybody have to accept this as a fact, sooner or later. For me, the sooner i get my self-confidence back, the more efficient i shall become. Or should i say, I'm a person whom is forward-looking.
 
With this as a backdrop, let us start with our most memorable things we've had. I'm also posting here as a reminiscing of this valuable past to me. My ex-girlfriend once asked me this question: "Tell me what is the most memorable thing you have done for me?"   

During our conversations, I wasn't able to answer her at the tip of my fingers. Call me a terrible boyfriend if that's what it is because i might just need a wake-up hammer blow. Still, in my mind, I've always held certain memories close to me.

One touching effort my ex-girlfriend ever made for me was her determination to quit smoking. It was during our early days into this relationship when i found her smoking behavior unbearable. Needless to say, we had quite a big disagreement that almost threaten our relationship.

Although I couldn't get her to quit smoking totally, it was her subsequent effort and determination that was touching. I understand her standpoint of a smoker with a circle of heavy smoker friends. It's the peer pressure from these group of smokers that makes smoking hard to quit. If you have problem understanding what I've mentioned, just imagine you are the only non-gamer in a group of gamer clique. Most of your friendship bonding time would be talking about games and you're sort of "leaving yourself out" by not doing the same thing as them.

On hindsight, maybe i should had dropped my view that she should be quitting smoking not because of me, but for her health. After-all, if we use a backward induction method, we can easily say that, without me, she wouldn't had even contemplate about quitting smoking.

Message for my now ex-girlfriend:

" For your effort and determination to try to change yourself for me, I thank you. That really touched my heart. For a girl to change her lifestyle just to satisfy her significant other, I ought to compliment you. The effort you had gave into our relationship really put me to shame. 

Compared to you, all I ever offered was a stream of support for you which i thought was a great contribution. I always thought that my listening ear is an asset to you. Little did i found out that it was of minimum impact since all my suggestions after listening doesn't help. I really feel ashamed and guilty here. 

Had we carried on our relationship without resolving this cooling off period, we wouldn't have found so much flaws, and i wouldn't have done so much reflection on myself either. Although we've now gone our separate ways, I still like to apologize for my lack of sensitivity and useful support as your boyfriend. Please forgive me. 


Lastly, from the bottom of my heart, i thank you for all the effort you had done and for the time we've spent. This part of you really deserves better. I hope you get to meet someone whom will cherish your every effort for the relationship and not as complacent as somebody like me. I'm hereby giving you my blessing to find joy and happiness that you didn't get when you're with me. "